GRUMP AND WOE. I'm not enjoying this at all. I would give almost anything to not be insane. If somebody could wave a magic wand and make me no longer 'moderately to severely mad', even if it involved a total personality change, I think I'd take them up on it. I've had to stay in more or less all day – not that I had especially exciting plans or owt – because I just felt so queasy after taking increased sanity snacks. I've been feeling the benefits in that I'm not longer quite as terrified of everything as I was, but at the same time, I'm so frustrated with myself for having to up the dose, even though I know it's not the end of the world. The Daily Mail, to troll me, often writes articles about how mental illness is like the illness de jour for all those celebrities and that. I've been know to cry with fear instead of answering the telephone because I'm so scared that it's bad news. There is nothing especially cool about that. I would not wish my ridiculous state of mind on my worst enemy. I can't even escape to my happy world in which I pretend to be a Viking, because Vikings are brave. I'll never get to Valhalla at this rate.
Soz, I talk a lot about my mentalism these days. If I had something else to occupy my mind, I'd write about that, but unfortunately this isn't just a little blip on the radar, this is a massive great S-class destroyer sailing right over my u-boat, if I might use an oddly specific metaphor. And that's the thing, really, because if it was just a blip on the radar and I was concentrating on my other hobbies (sinking British cargo ships, to extend the metaphor), it wouldn't be a problem.
I've done other stuff, though. Gardening has happened. I'd been to Wilkos while feeling ill and noticed that they had reduced a lot of their vegetable seeds, but needed to get out of the shop and have a lie down. I returned during a thunder storm later in the day, fortified by ginger beer, and pillaged their seed collection. I moved stuff round in the garden a bit. Marnie the passion flower lost the rest of what I'll call her 'first growth', but the shoots continue to grow, so they're happy in the greenhouse for the moment. I've wedged the bedding plants into the railings.
I don't think you can really see it in the above picture, though. I accidentally gardened until it was dark, not for the first time. But this way it's better for drainage and also they might be able to get a bit rained on, also I have more balcony space to plant some of the 15 packets of seeds I bought today if I don't get an allotment in December.
I also did a bit of a legal course I'm doing for work. I'm not sure if it will make me into Super Legal Translator, but I'm understanding it and thus, am enjoying it. It's a SLIGHT boost to my fragile self-esteem. I miss 'academia' a bit. I quite like getting my teeth into things like this and writing them down and discussing them, or 'learning' as it's also known. If only there was an MA in Dialectology, and I had unlimited wealth.