My 'confinement' doth continue, and verily I wish it was a pregnancy-related confinement rather than a sanity-related one. Actually it's not really a confinement because I've been getting out of the house and stuff even if I do have a sense of crippling guilt for 'going out of the house and enjoying myself' while not being at work. But it's making me feel better, which in the long run will mean I can go back to work, and I guess it's better for me than sitting in the house hiding.
I'm enjoying the actual stuff I've been up to, but not the experience of being signed off, if that makes sense. Everyone's all like 'o lol you can relax and watch a million TV', but I'm like 'no, because I have the sense that if I stop moving about, I might actually die, like what happens if a shark stops swimming'. This tends to close the conversation down. I'm finding some parts beneficial. I always find mornings horrifically difficult when I'm insane. Like today I spent 40 minutes in bed after I'd woken up because I was very scared of leaving my bed. It is easier doing this when you are signed off, because you do not have to worry about being late for work because you've been worried about getting out of bed. I am weary of worry.
Yesterday I was Brave and did Socialising. I won't lie, I was very scared. I find socialising a bit scary anyway, which I think is fine, because my enjoyment of it GENERALLY outweighs my fear. I found it really hard yesterday and spent some of it hiding on a bench outside, but I was very glad I went, and I was blessed with MEGA-UNDERSTANDING HOSTS who knew that if I was a bit quiet and terrified-looking it wasn't their fault, and who knew that I might find it a bit stressful and generally a bit much at times and thus allowed me to slip out for a quick panic. I am eternally grateful for their wisdom because it made things a lot easier for me. At the time I didn't feel like I was doing very well because I was like 'You are at a social event with people you know and like, and who you know care about you, so why are you so scared?' But then, I am currently very mental, and the fact that I showed up (with a salad I had prepared with own fair trembling hands), AND stayed is an achievement.
Today I did something I'm better able to cope with, aka troll off to the beach. I went to the doctor, who must be sick of the sight of me, first. The plan is to troll back to work on Wednesday unless I go more mental between now and then. She said she didn't want me feeling like I had to go before I felt ready as that will only set me back, which is wise. I think the therapy I've been doing has helped, even in the space of a couple of days – just sitting down and making a few hours to think about the way I react to things and whether someone saying X can make me jump to conclusion Y (conclusion Y usually being that I've gone horribly wrong somewhere and am not a proper person). I have some apprehension about going back to work but am not panicking yet. Part of me really wants to go back, because as much as I'm enjoying my extra gardening time, I'd rather not have had all this stress and drama in the first place. Part of me's terrified because when I do go back, I'm going to have to do Serious Conversation about how mad I am, and this has in the past lead to panic attacks, which in turn leads to me getting frustrated that I can't get my point across, leading to me trying to email my point and coming across all wrong, leading me to believe that everyone thinks I'm rude and/or useless and/or seeking attention, leading me to have further panic attacks. BUT with 'many therapy' I can hopefully break this cycle. I think, though, if I'm asked why I've been off by anyone, I'll say that it was mental illness rather than making something up. Partly to be a 'Brave Stigma Breaker' and partly because it'll make me feel less stressed if I 'admit' to it. I think most people there know anyway (I'm not exactly quiet about it on This Very Blog) and the thought that I'd have to lie about it, AND they would know I'm lying, would make things more stressful for me.
Oh yes, the beach. Went to Bamburgh, aka the best beach. Saw something terrifying:
I did emit a slight shriek, I have to admit. Relaxing sanity stroll on the beach interrupted by THE MUTILATED HEAD OF A DOLL. It was nice though (the trip, not the doll's head). Tonight I am going to do a bit more therapy (it's problem-solving and stress tonight, might do the self-esteem module if I feel I can LOL SEE WHAT I DID THERE), then I MIGHT do some knitting and watch Rob Roy aka best film ever again. Tomorrow I am going to The Toon, land of the sane.