I woke up this morning to news of the death of Tony Benn. It's not been a good week for the heart of Labour in Britain. I respected Tony Benn and if the Labour Party today could just take on a TENTH of his principles and fighting spirit and charisma, they'd be on the way to returning to what they set out to be in the first place.
I've not been updating much recently because I've been through something I'd be unwise to go into huge detail about. I can talk about the effect it's had on me, though, which was fairly devastating. It was the kind of thing that anyone would find difficult to come with, and as I've rarely been more 'collapsible' in terms of my mental state, I thought this would finish me off. Short of bereavement, nothing has had this kind of effect on my day-to-day life, and I haven't been through anything else this horrible before. Anxiety doesn't quite cover it. At least it was fairly good for the waistline as I've not been able to eat properly while it's been going on. Sleeping has been all over the place. Crying down the phone to my parents has been happening quite a bit.
HOWEVER, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Actually, I disagree with that principle, but in this case, I have to draw some positives from the experience because if I don't, it's only me that it's hurting. Things should be back to 'normal' on Monday. I'll be back at work properly for the first time in two weeks, which will be odd. I bet they've all forgotten my hobbitlike face. And I survived, and not only survived, I did well in the midst of all this. I was 'proactive' and tried to see the problem logically and work out a way to solve it. Somehow, I didn't go under, despite staring one of my worst fears right in the face. And a reason for this was because rather than internalise everything and try to deal with it on my own, I sought other people out and spent time with them and got support from them if I was feeling down or weak or even (gasp) needed a hug. And what support, too – I have so many excellent friends around me. My little parents also each offered to make the 600 mile round-trip just to come and sit with me and make sure I was OK. I don't even know how to express thanks for all that.
It's proper spring now, and the flowers are being all symbolic and that. I'll be going back to my doctor in a week or two to make sure that I'm 'safe from myself', but I feel stronger than I have done in months. Give it a couple more, and maybe I'll get off those pills. This has highlighted the important of unity for me. No Katie is an island. I can still be miserable and socially awkward and terrified of other people while relying on them at the same time, and I hope that other people will rely on me one day too.