Coming off Citalololz (or reducing, at least) has proven to be about as unfun as expected. I managed to make it through a day at work, which is something to be proud of I suppose, but EURGH I've felt dizzy and nauseous all day and keep 'zoning out' and realise I've been staring at the wall for a good 15 minutes. I know it'll get easier – it was exactly like this when I went on them in the first place, AND when I upped my dose back in October. I'm just frustrated because I feel like a blobfish, and I wish this didn't have to be happening. I wish I could talk about it 'officially', not just to my friends. Not that my friends are not fantastic, because they are, but if I had morning sickness or something 'understandable', I bet there'd be a bit more sympathy. I don't know that for sure, in fairness, because I've never had morning sickness, but what I'm feeling is still real; more than that, I'm feeling physically ill, but because the reason I'm feeling so ill is because I'm reducing my dose of antidepressants and there's very little awareness of mental health as a whole, and specifically of antidepressants (around a quarter of those coming off antidepressants don't even realise there's associated side effects, so what proportion of the population of the whole know anything about it?), I have to smile and pretend that things are FANTASTIC when I have difficulty even walking in a straight line, let alone regaining some kind of self-esteem. If I'm honest about how I feel and say how I could do with a bit of time off for my health, I feel like I'm putting myself at risk. I wish this wasn't happening to me; I wish it wasn't happening to anyone, but it's happening to a lot of people, about a quarter of people, and if mental illness can't just disappear off the face of the earth because I want it to, then as a second preference, I'd quite like for the related stigma to disappear.
It's all FIIIINE though. I've noticed a definite dip in my mood, but part of that's the withdrawal, part of that's the result of having a rotten day, and in any case it was all improved by having COCKTAILS with the Excellent Helen after work. If I still feel like this in a couple of weeks, then I'll troll back to the doctor and maybe resign myself to sticking to those 30mg for a bit longer. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. Plenty of people take medication each day for all sorts of reasons – there's no reason for me to feel like I've failed.
I might have a nice early night and tomorrow I get to see MY CELESTIAL MOTHER in 'that Edinburgh'. I SHALL MAKE THE WEEKEND WORTHWHILE.,